I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
