i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
