How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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