if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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