I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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