What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
