So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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