Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
