Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
