Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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