Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
