Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
