I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
