He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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