you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
