She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
