i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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