I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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