The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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