Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
