Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
