help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
