I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
