So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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