just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
