theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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