White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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