just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
