Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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