I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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