We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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