i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
