Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
