She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
