My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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