whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize
