Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Don't make out with my wife yet
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
