I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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