Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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