I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
