oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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