My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
