please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
