So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
