just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
