no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
