Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
