i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Randomize
