Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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