My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
